K’s Birth Mom and family came over for pizza the other day. Birth mom is also adopted, so it makes the family tree quite complicated.
There is Birth Mom, and her daughter, K’s 1/2 sister. Then there is Birth Moms Mom, (adoptive) and brothers, whom Birth Mom calls birth brothers although there isn’t a genetic connection. – Technically they are her brothers through adoption.
Over on the birth side there is Birth Mom’s birth mom who I’ve met once. And various uncles and relatives whom I’ve never met, although they all live close by.
The relationship I’m most interested in is K’s sister. Although I hate to think about being an older mom, I know that there is a possibility that K won’t have much family around one day. I like to think she’ll have a relationship with her sister but I don’t know if that will be true. They’ve got such different lives, and different upbringings. They’ll know each other though, or at least know how to reach each other and so they will have a choice.
K starts school in two weeks. I’ve never given much thought to how K will handle adoption at school until I read this post by Third Mom on preparing the teachers.
We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it I guess.
Over on my husbands side there are grandchildren who aren’t adopted, but also don’t have a direct blood line. There are marriages and divorces and children and steps. We’ve got ex-foster children who still come to visit. One calls me step-mom, which is nothing close to reality, but a name he gave me so he doesn’t have to think about being a foster child.
“Step, can I have milk please?”
The truth is families are complicated – connected in all kinds of ways.
When K misses someone, say when Daddy is at work, she’ll say, “Daddy is in my heart”
and that is how family should be connected.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
To be honest, I’m learning, the more and more I research handling these kind of issues, families are getting continuously more “confusing” (though not to the kids) so it’s not as if K would be the only one in the class with a unique tree.
Or, that’s what I tell myself when anxiety takes over when I think of handling this with Nick and Parker.
“Daddy is in my heart” is a perfect expression of “I miss Daddy.” Much more perfect than “I miss,” in fact.
I read some time ago that the idea of the nuclear family is a relatively new one. Familia in ancient Rome included servants and harems, over whom the Patria had power just as he did his wife and children.
But the large scale adoption of complete strangers and half-siblings will surely turn out to be a new invention of this century. And a good one, I think.
Thanks Jenna … I think it is true that the kids aren’t confused…
Joe, it is a good one in our family…
Thanks for the comments.
So well said. I remember buying a little book years ago called something like “A Family is A Circle of People Who Love You” or something similar. To me, it spoke of the possibility that we have the power to claim who are family is, and that our definition transcends blood. I still believe in that possibility.
Thanks so much for the shoutout, too!
{ 1 trackback }