Aug
17
How I Came to be a Mid-Life Mommy.
Filed Under Older Mommy
This post is part of a virtual Tea Party, hosted by Tea Party Girl Jenny.
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One morning, sometime after my forty-third birthday I realized I wanted to be a Mom.
The clock never ticked in my twenties or thirties like it does for some women. Suddenly, on a nice quiet walk by myself, I heard this alarm. Loudly.
CHILDREN. NOW. IT’S ALMOST TOO LATE!
I appreciate that you might think any normal woman would have moved on once she reached forty, but I really never thought about it much. - really. My husband and I were busy with career, traveling and partying and, well, I just forgot to have kids. Here I was, almost pre-menopausal and I’d never been pregnant.
The alarm kept ringing. It just wouldn’t go away. So, after many soul-searching conversations with my husband, we decided to adopt - via the Foster Care system.
This was a huge departure for me. I’ve been an entrepreneur all my life. In my twenties I started a computer related business and licensed technology worldwide with a partner. In my thirties, I started a bio-medical manufacturing business, and a homeopathic lab. In my forties I was doing consulting. I’d written a book, and was selling my art, life was good.
Suddenly, I wanted to be a mom.
What gives?
I started the long adoption journey - researching, learning, becoming terrified.
We took classes and I wrote this during the training process:
At last night’s training class, one of the other parents talked about their foster children cutting themselves - and the furniture - with razor blades. As foster parents we are not allowed to restrain the children, so what should we do? The teacher tells these experienced parents to lock themselves in the bathroom and dial 911. Another Dad shares how he routinely locks himself in his bathroom when his four autistic teenage boys get too rowdy. Everyone laughs.
In our class I remember there were ten licensed foster homes, and then two of us newbies - uninitiated couples just looking to enlarge our family. My husband and I and the other couple, well, we all look at each other shell-shocked.
The class continues and we learn how to keep records, track medications and record our days in an evening log. One Mom raises her hand. “My child has run away ten times in the last month. When should we request a move to a group home?â€
Group home? I am starting to learn a new vocabulary full of words I have heard but never used before. Group Home, Birth mother, (later I learn the more correctly political and nicer term, First Mother), Caseworker, Social worker; I ask what the acronyms stand for, DHS, DD, ADHD. They tell me it can take two years for adoptions to go through and that children over twelve can refuse to be adopted. The teacher tells us it is state regulation to change bed sheets every week. I am confused. Bed Sheets, Razor Blades, Autism. Clearly, I’m overwhelmed.
Bob and I continued the classes, because, well, just because we were signed up. We didn’t consider dropping out, but at this point I think we just thought we’d finish the classes and never move on to the next step.
March 18, 2003
We are finally licensed. The paperwork is completed, we’ve graduated from the classes and our contract is signed. Now we wait for a call. Bob and I carry cell phones everywhere. Our agency has home, work, cell and neighbor’s phone numbers. Many different agencies may be calling many different families to find a home for a specific child. Whichever family answers the phone first gets to say yea or nay to a possible match. They try to work for a best match, but they may also be under time constraints. It’s a first come first get child business. I pray we get children who need us. I pray it will be a good match. I pray we get a call. Soon.
Finally, we got our first call for a foster child.
The caseworker pulled up to my home with a cute little two year old boy and dropped him on my front porch. We’ll be in touch she said.
And suddenly, I was a Mom. The state had entrusted me to be foster mom to this scared non-talking, hard of hearing little being who had been plucked from everything he knew while his mom went to jail for repeated traffic violations.
Don’t you usually get training or something? Was I supposed to just, well, take him everywhere? What if I had a client or an art opening to attend to?
“Wait†I wanted to yell, “You can’t just leave him here.â€
In just a few years we had ten foster kids come to live with us, ranging in age from newborn to twelve years old. Some came for the weekend, others for months or weeks. The longest stay was a brother and sister who came for nine months before reuniting with their Birth-Mom. We’ve had a Down syndrome child, an Attachment Disorder child and other children with an assortment of diagnosed syndromes.
One brother and sister came after their mom got sent to the Gulf War, and the kids needed somewhere to stay until Grandma could come. Another child has continued to be in our lives three years later, even after going back home to his Mom.
Finally, finally, we got our little girl - thirty days old when I picked her up from her great-great grandmothers house. She stayed our foster child for thirteen long months until the judge declared her legally part of our family.
Now, my daughter, (our daughter !) Is almost four, starting pre-school and I write and blog with every spare moment on several blogs. I’d like to adopt again, but my hubby is understandably hesitant to go through the process again. Plus, as he likes to remind me, he’s in his almost mid-fifties.
And that is how I came to write the Mid-life Mommy blog, and become a later in life Mom.
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I’ve written about our journey to become foster parents, and about some of the children we had in a short e-book which you can download for free here.
In my next post about my life, I’ll write my story of how I became involved in the Holistic Health Care Field
Comments
6 Responses to “How I Came to be a Mid-Life Mommy.”
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Welcome! I'm Michelle, a 48+ (!) year old mom of a toddler,almost four, little girl, and in my spare time run a business and several blogs.If' you are inclined, you can read my resume, or 100 Things About Me. (both links take you to my other blog - Conscious Destiny)
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Very interesting. I was wondering. So many of my friends are having/adopting children late in life. I never wanted kids either until a few years ago. I’m in my 40s so I have to figure it out soon!
Oh my goodness! We really are a lot alike (except my husband is a little bit older than yours). We really must be crazy for trying again.
Thank you for sharing your story. One thing I’ve always wondered about foster parenting — how difficult is it to maintain a relationship if you want one? I can only imagine how hard good-bye must be.
Hi other midlife mommy….:)
I’ve written a lot about saying goodbye to our foster kids over on the fost-adoptblog at adoption.com when I was writing for them. It would be a good subject to bring up again.
For me, it was all about keeping the biggest view in mind - reunification whenever possible with bio family - even if I didn’t agree, and then finding the child that really needed us as family.
It was hard, but for us, very rewarding…
Rhea,
I wish I would have done it sooner, but I also have no regrets.. I’d love to have another - sometimes..
I saw a comment you left on another blog and was intrigued. Hallelujah, I’m not the only one! We adopted at 40 and 42, and are now at the other end of the journey. Our son leaves for college in two days, and our daughter is a junior in high school. It’s been a wild and crazy ride, and I’m pooped. But I’d do it all over again, and bet you would too.
I’ve always admired foster parents for what they do–doubly admired those who then adopt the child. My wife wanted to be a foster parent at one time, then we had numbers 4 and 5 and that was the end of that.
Where can we see some of your artwork?
I couldn’t understand some parts of this article ame to be a midlife mommy, but I guess I just need to check some more resources regarding this, because it sounds interesting.