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1. Birth – First Parents don’t just “Get on with their livesâ€.
Why would I have even thought that? K’s Birth Mom, - First Mom, (I still can’t get used to saying first mom), is a real person with deep feelings about our daughter. Jenna is a great advocate for First Parents,. She recently did this post on Triad Loss. I’ve learned a lot from Jenna over the last couple of years, and I recommend you read her for a while if you are considering an open adoption.
2. That there is terminology to be learned – like Birth and First Parent and that in itself is controversial.
Yes I thought that Birth Mother - as taught to me by our caseworker, was a nice warm and fuzzy term. Little did I know…..
3. That I’d be an educator on open adoption.
Open-Adoption is not co-parenting, sharing custody or asking permission. It is not about visitation rights, (although some people are advocating for that). Open-Adoption allows contact between first families and adoptive families. That could mean anything from just knowing who all sides of the triad are, or letters occasionally, to visits once a week as we do.
4. When we are seen together, first mom, me and K, people assume I’m the grandmother.
It is pretty strange. Last time this happened, FM spoke up and said, no, she’s the mom pointing at me. I was grateful.
5. That some people are actually afraid of open-adoption.
I get comments about kidnapping, abduction, and unwanted influences. These are all real threats living in the USA today and have nothing to do with adoption.
I love having an open adoption for my daughter. Yes it is a hassle. Yes it causes emotional turmoil on all sides. But probably not as much turmoil as a search later in life would cause. At least I’m banking on that.
We get to know the birth-first mom and I have lots of photos to share. Regardless of what happens in years ahead, my daughter will always have photos (and hopefully memories) of first mother looking at her with love.
Priceless, as they say.
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5 Responses to “Five Things I Wish I had Known about Open Adoption”
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Welcome! I'm Michelle, a 48+ (!) year old mom of a toddler,almost four, little girl, and in my spare time run a business and several blogs.If' you are inclined, you can read my resume, or 100 Things About Me. (both links take you to my other blog - Conscious Destiny)
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I had very little understanding of how adoption would impact all aspects of our lives. I really had no idea going into it. The open part makes it more obvious to the rest of the world and kinda forces them along our path, too. I was surprised by that. I naively thought it’d be more segregated.
I, too, had LITTLE knowledge about what open adoption entailed or COULD entail. Clueless, mostly. That’s why I’m often so vocal about OA issues… it pains me to know that other families are going into this kind of relationship without a clue. We lucked out in our case. Others aren’t always so lucky.
This past June, Kiddo, her mother and I were out at a local store doing some shopping and Kiddo kept calling us both “mom” (something we were used to). After a few strange looks from a family in our aisle, the dad finally walked up to us, looked us straight in the eye and said, “It should be illegal for you people to be out in public exposing innocent children to your deviance”.
At first, I was kinda thrown off guard, I couldn’t imagine what he was talking about.
Was it our freakishly tall stature?
Was it our frumpy clothing?
Nope. After a few seconds I realized, he thought we were lesbians (not that I have a problem with that, because I don’t!) - it was just funny that 1) he went there right away 2) he thought it was ok to just walk up to us, in front of our children, and just blurt out his stupidness.
Kiddo responded “Whatever, stupid”
We walked away.
I wish I had known I’d be faced with situations like that…that way I could have prepared responses to educate people.
HOM - Sounds like something that could happen in our town. Sad but true. Don’t you wish you had snappy retorts? I always do.
Hi I am not a mother with adoptive children, but suddenly that I have moved into early middle age (35)- I have several friends and acquaintances that have adopted. Interestingly enough, most of them are very opposed to open adoption- whereas I am not so sure why?
I can’t compare the situation, but my oldest son has a different father and family in his life. I would love it for his “other” family to be more involved in his life, but sadly they are not interested. With the exception of his biological Grandparents who are awesome, my son’s biological Dad, Aunt (his Dad’s sister), and Uncle (another sibling) aren’t even remotely interested in my son and it’s very painful to him. He’s 14 years old and make comments to the fact how stupid these people are- which I attribute to the pain of rejection.
I am certainly no expert on open adoption- but I have to think that it could be a good thing for children involved to at least know where all the ties that bind come from. -Michelle