Sep

14

The Kids Grow Up and Birth Mom Flew!

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birth mom taking the bus

So K made it through a whole week of school. In the mornings she complained a bit, wanting to stay home with mommy, but mostly because she wanted to sleep. She’s not quite set in this new new routine of going to bed and getting up early. She’s tired, but refuses to go to sleep if she thinks things are happening elsewhere in the house. This morning is a teacher conference day, (yes already!) and she’s sleeping in.

I always enjoy getting comments and reading the other mommy blogs. Angela and Rhea, left kind words and other Midlife Mommies - Motherpie, and Third Mom Margie left comments referring to the time flying by. I know, I know, I’ve also got two grown (step) kids and five grandchildren older than K. Every time I see them I act like a totally dorky grandmother.

“My how you’ve grown! You must have shot up three inches since the last time I saw you”

The joy comes from watching them spread the wings though, and grow emotionally. K heads off to school each morning, and deals with the dramas that every three and four year old girl (and onward) deal with. Friendship, jealousy, hurt feelings; my heart breaks for K when she sees her new best friend of three days, play with the other new girl ignoring K.

How did us Mommies ever make it through all that drama?

After reading Jennas Magnadoodle blog post (which almost made my cry), I thought I’d give K’s birth mom a jingle on the cell phone.

“K started school today. She did really well! ”

“That’s great. Thanks so much for calling. Let’s talk again in a few weeks. I’m in Albuquerque. visiting my brother”

Huh? The (ex) druggy homeless birth mom with no transportation made it across country by herself?

She’s growing up too. I’m so proud.

Sep

10

Today’s the Day!

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My daughter adoption

I didn’t sleep a wink. First I dreamed that K was waiting patiently to go but I was running errands and missed the whole thing. Then I was washing my hair in the back of the car and since there isn’t water, I had to run back home and so we were late.

It is 5:30 am. I’m up and ready.

K is sleeping soundly secure that Mommy will take care of everything.

This photo shows her as such a little baby. When did she grow up?

Wish me luck.

K starts school in 2 hours and 26 minutes.

Aug

28

K and Her Complicated Family

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Living with the Angels

K’s Birth Mom and family came over for pizza the other day. Birth mom is also adopted, so it makes the family tree quite complicated.

There is Birth Mom, and her daughter, K’s 1/2 sister. Then there is Birth Moms Mom, (adoptive) and brothers, whom Birth Mom calls birth brothers although there isn’t a genetic connection. - Technically they are her brothers through adoption.

Over on the birth side there is Birth Mom’s birth mom who I’ve met once. And various uncles and relatives whom I’ve never met, although they all live close by.

The relationship I’m most interested in is K’s sister. Although I hate to think about being an older mom, I know that there is a possibility that K won’t have much family around one day. I like to think she’ll have a relationship with her sister but I don’t know if that will be true. They’ve got such different lives, and different upbringings. They’ll know each other though, or at least know how to reach each other and so they will have a choice.

K starts school in two weeks. I’ve never given much thought to how K will handle adoption at school until I read this post by Third Mom on preparing the teachers.

We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it I guess.

Over on my husbands side there are grandchildren who aren’t adopted, but also don’t have a direct blood line. There are marriages and divorces and children and steps. We’ve got ex-foster children who still come to visit. One calls me step-mom, which is nothing close to reality, but a name he gave me so he doesn’t have to think about being a foster child.

“Step, can I have milk please?”

The truth is families are complicated - connected in all kinds of ways.

When K misses someone, say when Daddy is at work, she’ll say, “Daddy is in my heart”

and that is how family should be connected.

Aug

4

Larry King, Adoption, and the Bridge

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Larry King, Adoption, and the BridgeWhy did Larry have to introduce the grieving family last night as “the father and his two adopted daughters”? Wouldn’t introducing them as “his two daughters” have worked just as well?

In case you missed it, last night Larry King interviewed the husband and the two daughters of one woman killed in the bridge collapse. I can’t find the video clip or I’d post it.

The whole country is grieving. I feel for the family and the two daughters, now missing their mother.

Again.

UPDATE:  Sherry Engebresten is her name.  Here’s a link to an MSN story and video.  Icouldn’t find the Larry King one.

Aug

2

Five Things I Wish I had Known about Open Adoption

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1. Birth – First Parents don’t just “Get on with their lives”.

Why would I have even thought that? K’s Birth Mom, - First Mom, (I still can’t get used to saying first mom), is a real person with deep feelings about our daughter. Jenna is a great advocate for First Parents,. She recently did this post on Triad Loss. I’ve learned a lot from Jenna over the last couple of years, and I recommend you read her for a while if you are considering an open adoption.

2. That there is terminology to be learned – like Birth and First Parent and that in itself is controversial.

Yes I thought that Birth Mother - as taught to me by our caseworker, was a nice warm and fuzzy term. Little did I know…..

3. That I’d be an educator on open adoption.

Open-Adoption is not co-parenting, sharing custody or asking permission. It is not about visitation rights, (although some people are advocating for that). Open-Adoption allows contact between first families and adoptive families. That could mean anything from just knowing who all sides of the triad are, or letters occasionally, to visits once a week as we do.

4. When we are seen together, first mom, me and K, people assume I’m the grandmother.

It is pretty strange. Last time this happened, FM spoke up and said, no, she’s the mom pointing at me. I was grateful.

5. That some people are actually afraid of open-adoption.

I get comments about kidnapping, abduction, and unwanted influences. These are all real threats living in the USA today and have nothing to do with adoption.

I love having an open adoption for my daughter. Yes it is a hassle. Yes it causes emotional turmoil on all sides. But probably not as much turmoil as a search later in life would cause. At least I’m banking on that.

We get to know the birth-first mom and I have lots of photos to share. Regardless of what happens in years ahead, my daughter will always have photos (and hopefully memories) of first mother looking at her with love.

Priceless, as they say.

Jul

13

K’s Open Adoption

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I’ve been meaning to write about my daughters open adoption with her birth mom since I started this blog, but I can’t really bring myself to do so.

Today K has a visit, as we do most weeks since we live in the same town. I love birth mom, and she’s doing great with her second child, K’s half sister.

Since she has a sibling, that alone would be enough reason to continue visits, but I also keep the adoption open because I feel it will be best for K in the long run.

For me though, I’m always a bit weirded out.

K looks a lot like birth mom, laughs like her and has the same mannerisms, but it is me she runs to yelling Mommy Mommy when she falls or wants to show off. (most of the time).

Birth mom and I share a special treasure - our daughter. Not sharing as in custody or co-parenting, and certainly not responsibility.

This is sharing in the largest, grandest Spiritual sense. No matter how much I wish that K was my birth daughter it will never be so. No matter how much birth mom wished for a different outcome, it will never be.

And so once a week we get together and visit and navigate these strange emotional waters.

Additional Resources from Amazon:
Open Adoption Experience: Complete Guide for Adoptive and Birth Families - From Making the Decision Throug

Children of Open Adoption and Their Families